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The
Sabbath Meal
I
Am Learning
The
Ice Cream Cone
The Girdle, a Woman’s Best Friend
My
Own True Voice
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Untitled
I
grew up in a family obsessed with the "correct" body
image and physical appearance. I was the only child out of six
who was overweight, and because of this was constantly taunted
by my older brothers and their friends about my size. I grew up
believing something was horribly wrong with me; I didn’t fit in
with the rest of my siblings, I was a bad person because I couldn’t
control myself and my eating habits. My mother would encourage
me to lose weight in whatever way possible.
I
was dieting from the age of 8. At age 12, I was anorexic and my
parents were thrilled when I lost 40 pounds over a four-month
period (they had no idea that anything was wrong—even when I did
not menstruate for 9 months). At age 14, I had gained back those
40 pounds and more and was then prescribed amphetamines by a physician
to assist me with my weight "struggles."
By
age 16, I started bingeing and purging after reading about bulimia
in a women’s magazine popular at that time. No one ever asked
me why I ate so much, no one wanted to listen to what I had to
say or how I felt about things going on in my life that contributed
to the bad feelings I had about myself. No, they just wanted to
treat the symptom without understanding the underlying problem.
I
know my parents only wanted me to be "happy" and they
believed (and instilled in me the fact) that I could never be
happy or satisfied if I was overweight. What I wish they would
have instilled in me instead was the knowledge that people come
in all shapes and sizes and that physical appearance is not the
only attribute about a person that is important. I wish I had
been taught about the satisfaction we can obtain from things like
intellectual pursuits, having an open mind, understanding the
uniqueness of each individual, and seeing the beauty of the world
around us.
I
feel that I wasted so much time focusing on what was wrong with
my body and my looks (when in actuality nothing was really wrong).
I regret spending all of that time that I could have instead spent
developing my intellect, meeting new people, and exploring the
exciting things in our world. I finally accepted my body and myself
with the assistance of a kind, encouraging therapist and by reading
and really taking to heart the works of author Geneen Roth. She
helped me "break free" of all the false notions I had
about weight loss. She helped me understand that we first have
to accept ourselves as we are before we can move on to eventually
lose weight.
No
longer do I wake up on Mondays swearing to start a new diet, vowing
to lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks. No longer do I feel guilty if I
eat a piece of cake, a slice of lasagne, a roll with butter on
it. Once I "broke free" of all the dieting nonsense,
I had a lot more time to develop other aspects of myself that
I had let go because of my preoccupation with my body image. I
returned to college and obtained a second degree; I met people
who were interesting and intelligent, people who were accepting
of diversity and difference.
I
have now learned to listen to my body and to fill it with nutritious
foods that enable me to function at my best; I have learned that
regular exercise also enhances my feeling of well-being. Would
I change a part of my body if I had the resources to do so? Not
now. I like the way I look and feel about myself. It took me a
long time and a lot of work to be able to get to this place. I’m
glad I made it. I’m glad I’m here.
•
Christy,
37 •